Please note that some of these jokes are just that, jokes. But other events are actual occurrences, based upon real situations with real people. In other words, I didn’t make all of these up. Truth is funnier than fiction, every time. Who says God doesn’t enjoy humor? Trying to decide which are true stories and which are simply jokes may be harder than you think. But these jokes and stories are rated-G and they can be used with family, children, in church, and in fact, anywhere at anytime you want to make someone laugh. Laughter is good for the heart, lowers blood pressure, releases powerful pain reducing endorphins and books the body’s immunity. The Bible agrees with this, saying that “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine…” (Proverbs 17:22a). So have a good laugh on me or with me and enjoy.
I told my barber that I was in real financial trouble that I didn’t know if I had enough to pay my bills this month and I just got laid off and so I hired a professional worrier. The barber asked me, “How much do you pay him?”. I said, “A hundred dollars a month.” The barber said, “Wow, you can’t afford that.” I said, “Well, that’s for him to worry about.”
Having a happy marriage is like living in California….You’re gonna find faults, just don’t dwell on them.
A preacher at an old Four Square Church of God in Arkansas, said this at the very end of his sermon “Throw all your whiskey bottles in the river, throw all your dirty magazines in the river and throw all that lustful music in the river! Amen?“ The congregation says “ Amen”. The pastor says, “Now open your hymnal to page 48 as we sing, “We Shall Gather At the River.”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, their a mile away, and you got their shoes!
A mechanic accidentally swallowed some brake fluid instead of his coffee, but he liked the taste so much he finished it off before he knew. The next day, he was drinking more brake fluid when another mechanic came up to him and said, “Hey, that stuff is dangerous, you shouldn’t be drinking it.” The guy turned to him and said, “That’s OK, I can stop anytime I want.”
The first ever-coach of the then-expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers were terrible again, after 13th straight losses and a reporter about asked John McKay about his team’s execution. He said, “I’m for it!”
With ants in the kitchen, I came up to the hardware store clerk and asked, “Is this good for ants?” He answered, “Nope, Kills 'em!”
Some children were acting out a wedding ceremony. The preacher ask the bride, “Do you take him for better or worse?” She said, “For better!”. For richer or poorer? “For richer!”. In sickness or in health…”In health!”
Some friends of ours had just bought a new car when winter hit with bitter cold. When they got in their new car they wondered if it had seat warmers like some cars do, the man said, “Sure it does…right here is says rear defrosters.”
My niece was thrilled to hear of a new car wash opening near her home. Without thinking, she said, “Great, now I can just walk to it”.
It didn’t help that I was lost in Kansas City. When I tried to go around the block and go back the way I came, I saw a sign on Electric Avenue that read, No Outlet.
While taking down some vital signs for a soon-to-be mom, she was asked how much she weighed. The mother said, “I really don’t know.” The nurse said, “More or less what you weighed.” Then the mother to be said, “More I guess.”
There was a plane crash that had a circus on it. Two cannibals sat down and one, while eating a clown says to the other, “This taste funny to you?”.
I was babysitting a 3 year old and when the cat’s litter box stench was so bad, I couldn’t take it anymore. As I was cleaning it out, I ask the boy, “Does your mommy do this?”…and he said, “No, it’s for the cats.”
As the woman was answering the questions on an application, she was asked “You’re marital status?”. She replied, “Oh…better than most marriages, but not as good as others.”
A 7 year old girl called 911 and hung up. When Burnett, Wisc., police arrived, they saw what the problem was. Her grandpa was cheating in a game of cards.
My son, after carrying his bride over the threshold on their honeymoon, he pulled up a chair, opening the living room curtains and began staring, straight out the window. When he just kept sitting there, staring out the window, his wife asked him, “Honey, is everything all right?…”, “Yes, yes, everything is just fine.”, .She asked, “Why stare out the window all night?”. My son said that “My dad told me that tonight would be one of the most beautiful nights of your life son…”
I was working with a very young helper in building a new deck. I asked him to go to the lumber yard to get a 2 by 4 but before I could give him more details, he took off, confident that he knew what he was do. So, at the lumber yard, he asked for a 2 x 4 and the man at the counter asked him, “How long do you want the 2 x 4?” The young man said, “Well duh…forever!”
Originally published on Associated Content.