Fearful Grief

The car needed a good wash but I kept putting it off. Finally I faced the truth. That car needed a deep cleaning and I feared driving through the car wash. Why? I’d often done it before Ron died. Why on earth did I suddenly fear it now?

I thought about so many other fearful things I now dread. Eating alone in a restaurant, long drives to visit relatives, funerals, sitting by myself in church, all of these things and dozens of others surfaced on my list.

After C.S Lewis lost his wife, he penned these words.  “I am not afraid, but no one told me it would feel so much like fear.”

What a revelation. I may feel afraid but is it just grief. It sneaks in and causes other irrational emotions. My solution is that I must simply do what must be done, even though I feel afraid.

So I tackle the car wash. The helpful attendees steer me right. I sit back and leave the car controls alone. The mechanics of the thing draw me through the wash. Both car and I arrive safely at the end of the line, cleaner than before.

And God reminds me all over again that he is not a ‘was’ nor a ‘will be’ God, but a God of the present, the now.

We don’t need to worry over the past. God is not spending his time there…and neither should we.

Prayer: Father when emotions gather round us like storm clouds, drag us though the car wash and clean us up.  Amen. 

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