The ‘80/20’ Secret to Appreciating Your Marriage
By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs | Author and founder of Love and Respect Ministries
Posted 5:05 pm on February 12, 2012
BUT THOSE WHO MARRY will face many troubles in this life…(I Corinthians 7:28).
While writing to the Corinthians Paul warns them of the responsibilities, involvements and, yes, the troubles that come with marriage. When I quote I Corinthians 7:28 at our conferences, many in the audience chuckle, as if they understand perfectly what Paul is saying.
Something else that is tied to this idea of trouble in marriage is what I call “the 80/20 ratio,” a concept that says around 80 percent of the time your marriage will fall under some degree of good, or even great, while around 20 percent of the time you may have troubles of one kind or another. I arbitrarily chose 20 percent to make my point. For some couples, it can be less, or it can be more. It depends on many factors, and can vary from week to week.
I cannot put a precise number on the amount of trouble you may have in your marriage, but what I do know is that God does not promise a fulfilling, trouble free relationship 100 percent of the time. (I heard one man say he and his wife had 28 happy years, then “…we met and got married.”) Disagreements and misunderstandings happen. Stress comes from without and within.
If we do not accept the inevitability of some trouble as part of God’s design (that we will have moments when we feel unloved or disrespected), we may fall for the idea that a marriage should always be the perfect Hollywood romance. And when troubles do come we conclude that we are not receiving what we deserve. Expecting 100% fulfillment, we are ill-prepared to deal with the moments when we feel “unfulfilled” or worse. We grow discontented and resentful and if we let this eat away, it is not much of a jump to wondering if we made a mistake marrying in the first place.
My point is simple: it is all too easy to focus on the 20 percent (the irritations and annoyances) and forget that 80 percent of the time things go quite well, or even better than that. That pesky 20 percent of trouble turns out to be the leaven that leavens the whole lump (Galatians 5:9).
My solution is also simple. Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word. Treasure your marriage like a bottle of the kind of expensive cologne she might like for Christmas, and don’t let a few imperfections be like the dead flies that can give perfume a bad smell (Ecclesiastes 10:1). Don’t let the 20 percent sabotage the marriage God gave you--a meaningful lover-friendship interspersed with those times when one or both of you is tired, irritable, or just plain having a bad day (or moment) for whatever reason.
My “80/20 ratio” idea is an “aha” moment for a lot of people. While filling out a conference feedback form they mention how enlightening the “80/20 ratio” was and add comments like: “I realize I have a better marriage than I thought,” or “Maybe my expectations of a ‘perfect’ marriage were unrealistic.”
Sarah agrees. She well recalls that early in our marriage she was concerned, not because we had major conflicts, but because the normal daily stuff was getting to her. To put it biblically, “the little foxes” were spoiling our marital vineyard just as it was trying to bloom (see Song of Songs 2:15).
We continued to have our bumps, and Sarah continued to express her bewilderment about these tensions. Then one day I said to her: “Sarah, you want everything to be perfect. But Paradise has been lost. Sin is in the world. Eighty percent of what we experience can be wonderful; however, 20 percent will be troubling. If you don’t grasp that, you will poison the 80 percent that’s good.”
Sarah says my little speech changed her entire view of marriage. The 80/20 ratio helped her realize there is no perfect relationship, and this came as a “huge freedom” for her, just as it did for me. We still have our “20 percent of troubles,” but we just stop and remember that the 80 percent is really the big picture, and the big picture is what really counts!
Tags: Christian books, Love and Respect, marriage
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known expert on male-female relationships and is the founder and president of Love and Respect Ministries. He has written many popular relationship books, including the national bestseller Love and Respect, which has sold over a million copies.
Based on over three decades of scientific and biblical research, Dr. Eggerichs developed the Love and Respect Conference, which he and his wife Sarah present to live audiences around the country. This dynamic and life-changing conference is resulting in the healing and restoration of countless relationships.
Also a dynamic speaker, he was recently invited to speak to the NFL owners and coaches, the PGA players and spouses at The Player’s Championship, and the New York Giants at their new stadium in NJ. But most honoring to him was being invited by the military brass to speak to the troops in Iraq this year.
Dr. Eggerichs has graduate degrees from Wheaton College and Dubuque Seminary and a PhD in Child and Family Ecology from Michigan State University.
Prior to launching the Love and Respect Conferences, he was the senior pastor of Trinity Church in Lansing, MI for nearly 20 years. He and Sarah live in Grand Rapids, MI and have three adult children.
Learn more at http://www.loveandrespect.com.
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