A while back a good friend of mine shared with me a video that really spoke to me. It resonated with me concerning how I relate to my spouse and what she really needs from me, not what I think she needs from me. That said I encourage you to take a moment and watch this short video.
Earlier this year with the help of a trained counselor I was smacked in the face by the fact that I approach situations, especially those with me wife, and for that matter even my kids, with a HAMMER. Meaning I approach the situations with what I think is the answer and so I’m out to fix the problem. However, the reality is a hammer isn’t always the best approach to take…and I now know that.
Instead I would say that far more often than not you need to approach a situation, especially with your spouse, as a CHAIR, as a person of comfort…a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a heart to break. Of course there are a few times that being a hammer is appropriate and necessary but might I suggest that you use with extreme caution and probably only under the invitation of the one you’re doing life with. The hammer is offensive and can be destructive and messy. However, the chair is comforting, safe, warm, and it speaks loudly that you truly care. After all, it’s not your situation to fix…the other person usually just needs someone to walk with them as they process and as they figure out their situation. So just be available and be the chair that is required and you will do alright.
My wife and I have been married for 13 years and as sad as it is I’ve only woke up to this reality this year. I know I struggle with being the chair that she needs because my natural tendency is to be the hammer. So the question is what are you? Hammer or chair? And are you willing to change, re-learn, and evolve your thinking for your spouse, your significant other, or your kids sake? I realize that I have to…and the truth is so do you. So take the time to evolve your thinking because it’s the only way forward in this world that’s built on relationships.